I got fired from my job at the keyboard factory.
They said I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.
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I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
My mother’s scale of concern:
1 missed call = I am busy with the kids.
2 missed calls = I am being murdered in a ditch.
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Kids have scary dreams because grandmas say things like: “You’re so cute. I could just eat you up!”
If we all winked, laughed out loud, stuck out our tongues and blew kisses in real life as much as we do in texts…it would be very creepy.
17: Do you know what school Scooper goes to?
Me: Who?
17: Scooper.
Me: Again, who?
17: Landlord’s son.
Me: COOPER?!
17: I thought it was Scooper, I’ve called him that for 5 years.
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd
The past three months of 2021 have flown by.
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
When a football player points to the sky after a touchdown he’s saying “That one’s for you, international space station”
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
The urge to throw a coconut at someone.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
My 7-year-old asked if people still need to go to the dentist in Heaven so I told her the truth, dentists don’t go to Heaven.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.