Bite me again
– my bottom lip
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Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
*bites zombie*
The year is 2087. We finally have flying cars. Grey’s Anatomy has been on for 82 years.
[mattress store]
Me: bet u get a lot of losers asking which ones are piss proof huh
Clerk: not really
Me: what would u recommend to them tho
I like men who play hard to get.
So when my Fiancé called off the wedding and started dating my Brother, I knew he was the one for me.
What’s Biden’s plan to make bloggers post the recipe at the beginning of the post instead of at the end
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Your mum doesn’t think it’s safe for you to have a treehouse, but I’m gonna go out on a limb and build you one.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Me: I’ve never played football but I have been clotheslined by a telephone cord.
My kids: What’s a telephone cord?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
They should use real bears in the Charmin commercials
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
First person ever: I HAVE SEVERAL HOLES IN MY FACE WHAT IS HAPPENING
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
Black ice is just like regular ice except it dies first in movies.
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
My daughter helped make dinner and decided to cook the entire box of spaghetti so if any of you gets hungry in like the next month and half hit us up
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
I could type 100wpm if you give me enough time
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
“you’re the biggest narcissist i’ve ever encountered!”
why are you making this about you?
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
Gangnam style!
But it’s just me putting my pants on in the morning
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.