Told my 8yo he had to go outside and play for awhile before he was allowed to play more playstation
He refused because, “That’s bribery, Dad!” 😂
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I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Wizard: Give me a burger
Waiter: what’s the magic word?
Wizard: Abracadabra
Waiter: *now a hamster* I meant please, but ok
Me: *tips the waiter*
Waiter: *angrily climbing out the lobster tank*
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Even if it’s not cursed, a monkey paw is a terrible gift.
My tween is mad at me and it could be because of any number of horrible things I did this morning: stood in the kitchen, poured coffee, stared out the window, said good morning, breathed…
my husband fell asleep and I don’t know how to turn the volume down on his game without killing his village or whatever so I guess the soundtrack to my insomnia tonight is intense medieval lute music
Cop: ‘You realize you were weaving?’
Me: ‘Technically , it’s called ‘texting’, but yes.’
Waiter: You need to let this wine breathe for a moment.
WIne Mom🍷: *grabs waiter by the skinny tie* I STRAIGHT UP PLAN TO GIVE IT MOUTH TO MOUTH, CRAIG
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
My daughter decided to put press on nails before a cooking party so I’m really looking forward to the crunchy cake she brings home.
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.
Me: I could survive in the wild.
Wife: It took you 9 minutes to open a bag of chips.
Hopefully wild game isn’t wrapped in plastic.
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
My son won a plastic horn at the fair so now our house is filled with obnoxious noise because my husband won’t put it down
Me: How do you guys want your steaks cooked?
Kids: Cook them so they taste like chicken nuggets.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is antonym
ME: synonym
JUDGE: no you have to spell it, not give an example
ME: *lips on mic* i-t
BRITISH PEOPLE: so, shoe sizes go up in halves to 13 and then start again at 1. Women’s clothes go up in 2s but using only even numbers. Height is in feet made up of 12 inches and weight is in stones made up of 14…
ALIEN: are there any smarter animals we can talk to?