[Mon]
Boss: Let’s talk about your clothes
Adam: But it’s my best leaf
B: You need officewear
A: Understood[Tues]
B: Is that a sticky note?
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You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
The only reason there’s a market for hammers is not because they go bad but because they grow legs and walk away.
[standing at your brisket smoker with a baggie of hot dogs] “Would you cook these for me?”
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
Went up to some of my neighbors from the last 10 years to let them know they’re losing a pillar of the community, and they were like sorry who are you?
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Wolf: Woof!
Me: Omg Pokémon do exist.
God: [creating Guy Feiri, but runs out of human heads] “A pineapple it is then.”
I had no idea we were still brushing our teeth.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
[a door mysteriously slams shut]
me: *spooked* what was that
the ghost haunting my home: just me still haunting lol
me: thank goodness I thought I left a window open
I’ve finally found a place that sells peanut butter by the splat
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
[camping]
Friend: You gonna put that tent up yourself?
Me: No, you sicko, under that tree.
“Your dad and I are leaving for dinner now.”
Two seconds later:
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.
EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Helped a stranger at the gym write a break up text today so yeah, that English degree is really paying off.
I haven’t really been as disappointed as I was when I realised that the movie ‘Breakfast Club’, actually had nothing to do with food
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Whoever invented the phrase “to cut a long story short…” sure as shit wasn’t 8 years old
Therapist: so when we run out of words or have nothing nice to say… we count to 10 and we?
Me: …hiss like a cat?
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.