I hate when you go to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume
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Him: How was your day?
Me: (watching a movie about a shark trapped in a grocery store) Very busy.
you idiots are out here getting your wisdom teeth removed. me? i am having more added. where did you think yours were going? that’s right, my mouth. i have 107 wisdom teeth now. my wisdom has never been higher. i am realizing for the first time that this was not a good idea
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
I’ll never understand the appeal of TV shows about food. To me that’s like listening to the Victoria Secret Fashion Show on the radio.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
“How can I help you?
Hi I’d like a root canal
“Are you a patient here?”
No
“Who referred you to us?”
No one
“Ok then why-”
I have a Groupon
When she says she prefers the strong, silent type she means her vibrator.
All I’m saying is once your kid passes first grade you can stop spending $$$ on school pictures. Second grade and up always gets their pictures taken after recess.
I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Blowing kisses to my coworkers so that nobody talks to me today
My son told me tonight I was the best mom in the world. I couldn’t be happier.. even though he’s a cat, and actually didn’t say that. But I know he’s thinking it.
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Me: Sometimes you just gotta dance like no one is watching.
Anesthesiologist: But right now I need you to hold still
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
I warned my wife the tattooist was no good and sure enough she came back with disappointment written all over her face.
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
You know you’re single when the only calls you get at night are Nature’s.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Pretty sure California’s water crisis could have been solved with the number of dropped ice cubes that I’ve lazily kicked under the fridge.
Kept nodding off at an estate auction and bought a garden gnome for 3 million dollars.