My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
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I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
I’m telling you, stress doesn’t give you grey hair. Even after this awful year I don’t have a single grey
I only have 27 hairs left on my head but none of them are grey
Opera is what happens when someone stabs you and instead of dying, you sing.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
Me, writes out daily outfits for trip on stationary, folds each outfit together, makes labels with the day I am to wear said outfit and attaches it to the folded pile and lays each gently into suitcase.
Husband, “Do you think I need more than 3 pairs of socks?”
Why didn’t Wile E. Coyote just spend all that Acme money to buy an actual dinner?
It’s my birthday!
This loopy thing is my gift to you 🎈
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
[Mom’s house]
Mom: I don’t know where that lovely framed photo of you went, dear, you know that one with the bouffant perm, oversized glasses, and braces
Me: *stuffing a frame-shaped object in the garbage* gosh, Mom, it’s a mystery
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
There’s no candy called Smithereens, and I’m terribly disappointed with everything.
screaming into balloons for an extra surprise when the kids pop them
I’m the sort of person you can bring home to meet your parents, if you’re looking to be written out of their will.
The most realistic scene in Star Wars was when Darth Vader lost his cool during a staff meeting and used the force to choke a coworker.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
*coworker drinks coffee I made them*
Me: I poisoned your coffee…
Coworker: WHAT?
Me:…with love!
Coworker: oh haha
me: The love for murder
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Hey guys, if you cross the seven seas by yourself you’ve committed the seven deadly swims thanks for your time
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Yes, lady who took two parking spaces. I’m the reason you can’t get in your car from the drivers side.
Have a nice day 🙂
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
throwing someone under the bus sounds hard, let’s just sell ’em down the river and call it a day.
[police station]
I’d like to fill out a police report.
*describes myself to the sketch artist*
I take karate classes solely to fight off hobos who mistake my man bun for a delicious cinnamon roll