9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
You Might Also Like
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
The folks who write fragrance commercials must be like “I had the weirdest dream, Imma put it on TV.”
So many things changing daily.
For example, now DTF stands for Don’t Touch my Face.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
Flex on houseplants by drinking water whenever you want
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
i said i was a “bawler” not a “baller” – i meant that i cry a lot
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
When the pandemic ends, don’t forget to update your Face ID so your phone can recognize you without that cheeto dust mustache.
My bathroom scales need a new home. They weigh you 30 pounds over, and have slight damage from being thrown out a window, but aside from that, they’re fine.
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
I’ve got a black eye, a $200 fine and I’ve been listed on a register…turns out taking candy from a baby wasn’t so easy after all.
How enormous was the spider I just found in my bathtub? It put down its Kindle, grabbed a nearby towel, and muttered, “Does nobody in this house knock?”
just got mad and flipped a table but it spun all the way around in landed right side up. everyone in Applebee’s is clapping
A ballerina walks into a barre. Embarrassed, she splits.
My 12 year old sent me an email asking permission to spend a no school day at a friend’s house. I wish I could post the whole thing but I’ll just share the introductory paragraph.
Dating profile at 26: I’m cute and interesting and funny and I will find everything you say super interesting. Let’s get married.
46:
I like what I like. I’m not growing my hair long just so you can pet it. I have one cankle, and I bloat after eating. Hit me up.
*Throws caution to the wind*
*gets covered in caution*
Wife: HAHAHAHAHA
Me: HAHAHAHAHA
[we put our clothes back on]
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
In an unexpected turn of events yesterday, my husband tested the child locks on the car doors.
“Laura, can you come and let me out?”
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
My home security system growing up was my parents telling me not to open the door for anyone.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread