If you ever hear me tell another mom to enjoy her young children because “it goes so fast” remind me to punch myself in the face
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5: Can you cut off the skin?
Me: What?
5: *holds up sandwich* the skin
M: The crust?
5: yeah
M: No, and you sound like a serial killer.
Today I’m approaching teens dressed like I’m from the future, locking eyes, and saying “Happy Presidents Day, sir” with a wink
Grow up never but we old may grow we
Her: this isn’t going to work out
Me: *in the kiddie pool in full scuba gear* Why, what’s wrong?
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
my cornflakes bring all the boys to my yard
& theyre like
this cereals hard
damn right
my cereals hard
u should add milk
so its not so sharp
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
Trojan: Pricier than some other brands, yet still cheaper than Enfamil, Gerber, Pampers, Graco, Fisher-Price, Playskool, Lego, Melissa & Do-
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
ME: [grinding pepper onto my food]
IRON MAN: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE
You shouldn’t be allowed to wear animal print if you are bigger than said animal.
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
“You kids and your smartphones, when we were your age we just dealt with having nothing to do with our hands.”
*Lights another cigarette*
Be warned, person who set of a whole bunch of fireworks at 4 am–you’ve made a minimally powerful enemy.
No, of course I’m not mad.
It’s fine.
*goes home, starts building a Death Star.
Virgo: Today fortunes will be reversed! You will abduct an alien and none of its friends will believe you.
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
god: ..and this part is your crust
earth: i’m a pizza 🙂
god: no that’s-
earth: everybody loves pizza 😀
god: but
earth: i’ll be treated so good forever and ever :’)
god: [deep breath in] here’s the thing
in the 80s you solved everything with dancing. street fight? dance. parents throw you out of the house? dance. a demonic presence that has surfaced from the bowels of hell as a result of a seance gone wrong? dance.
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Just thinking about how hard lockdown was for people with secret families
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.