me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh
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When attempting to make a good first impression imagine how important good grammar is. Wrong. Importanter.
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
draw me like one of your sea-borne property stompers
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
IKEA assembly instructions should come with a glossary of Swedish swear words.
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
person on twitter: I’m being attacked right now!
me (played a lot of Age of Empires 2 in my formative years): im sending you some crossbowmen
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
My wife asked me: “What’s the most risky, dangerous food you’ve ever eaten.”
Me: “wedding cake”.
Imagine being at your therapist’s office and your card declines so your therapist spends the next hour roasting you to undo all of the progress you gained through therapy
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
Him: Tire me out baby.
Me: *feeds him pasta*
My surgeon is always late, so the anesthesiologist better not be early.
people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
When a couple I’m friends with splits up, I always choose sides with the one who won’t ask to sleep on my couch.
Scientists have yet to pinpoint why the universe sends a loud car, barking dog or gale force winds past your house just as your kid is about to drift off to sleep.
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
Hey, sexy. Wanna merge our DNA and make mini versions of ourselves who will never give us a moment’s peace and destroy all our stuff?
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.