Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
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Instead of writing letters, let’s wait a week before texting each other back so it still feels like it
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
*snorting spilled coffee grounds off the dirty floor* I DONT HAVE A PROBLEM
[first date]
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a scientist.
Her: Cool. What kind?
Him: Mad. *electrical storm begins outside*
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
Friend was telling me a story of how she made her parents drive around to 4 different places looking for a hot dog “with skin”. They kept trying to explain that they all have skin. Turns out what she wanted was a corn dog.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Was just in an elevator with my ex, so I stopped at every floor to show him he was wrong on so many levels.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Before you ask me to proofread anything, know that I spent 30 years thinking “FAQs” was short for “Facts”.
*jesus rubs his temples before giving a sermon*
anyone else feel like choking that seagull over there?
The worst part of waking up from a nap is the noise my coworkers make in the office.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
I was raised by my father.
He was a competitive poker player.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
When Ted Cruz kisses a baby, its parents have to throw it out and start over.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
Have kids so you can be done with your Christmas shopping & they can hand you their “updated” list which includes nothing you bought.
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
Tip for twitter newbies:
Before you start using twitter, please make sure this is really what you want to do with the rest of your life.
Me: can you help with the dishes?
5 [licks dirty silverware] yeah.
learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
You know when someone’s all “ugh this smells terrible” and they want you to smell it too? That’s what sharing political news is like lately.