Don’t act like you’ve never used a pair of binoculars to try to peer through another pair of binoculars.
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I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
me: I brought a note from my doctor
dungeon master: that’s not… look, your character has to battle
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
My mother-in-law’s text alert is an entire song. Starting to think my father-in-law’s rage isn’t really from Vietnam.
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
[having sex]
HER: talk dirty to me
ME: I’ve been wearing the same underwear for weeks
HER: no, I mean-
ME: I drink my own bath water
My horoscope said I’d come into some money today, I was so excited until I found a five dollar bill in the washing machine.
If insanity is doing the same thing over & over and expecting different results, I must be sane cause I don’t even like doing things once.
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Me: what should I do?
Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..
Me: right but like realistically
If you want to drive someone slowly insane, say frank you to them in a parrot voice one million times.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
A choir of Spring onions
Me: [sitting on a swing, eating goldfish crackers out of a plastic baggie at the park]
Him: How old is your child?
Me: Child?
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
9am: *starts diet*
2pm: *injects KFC gravy intravenously*
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
inventor of ceilings: *pointing at the floor* like this but up there
“An apple a day keeps the doctor away” even works on PhDs if you have a decent fastball
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
Operator: 9-1-1, what’s your emergency?
Me: Yeah, hi, so what’s the rules about seizing assets in a citizen’s arrest cuz I just saw someone jaywalk with a soft serve cone and it looked very tasty
This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve seen
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
DRACULA: [bites me]
ME: Oh shit, am I vampire now?
DRACULA: Yes.
ME: Forever?
DRACULA: No, we’re only creating limited-term adjunct vampires due to budget cuts.
ME: Oh okay. Any chance it becomes permanen—
DRACULA: No. Now get in this coffin you share with 20 other vampires.
Her: baby can you come up here and play with me?
Me: *sprints up stairs
Her: I’m kidding. Can you hand me the remote?
Me: this is so us