Don’t accidentally make eye contact with your dog while you’re eating. It’s a trap.
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You know you’re desperate for a night out when the babysitter tells you they have lice and for a split second you think: stick on a damn hat and get over here
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
am i feeling hopeful about the future?
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
“Oh, you’re left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I’m just doing it for show
#ThisIsWhyMeghanLeft
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
Hear me out: his and hers houses.
Mechanic: You’re ready to roll.
Me: I think I’d rather drive.
Wait til the people so excited about all-day breakfast at McDonald’s find out they can make breakfast at home whenever they want.
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
ain’t no way there’s billions of us and nobody got superpowers
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
When you have mixed feelings about bathtime
opening twitter today
She : Drink responsibly..!
Me : Responsibilities are the reason why I drink.
Partner: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Oh why?
Partner: It’s the only speaking in single letters thing, it’s weird
Me: Oh. I see. OK
banking website: thank you for your transfer as a reminder the total you can move between accounts in any one given business day is $1,000,000
me, sitting on a milk crate in a studio apt i share with two other guys: ok
“And to my heirs, I will leave all this….”
*gestures toward 146 half-full nail polishes, all roughly the same color
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Got paired with a classmate for a Criminal law Project, so I guess now we’re partners in crime.
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
If you hold your ear up to the seashell at my house, you can hear my wife yelling at me for peeing in the ocean.