3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
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inside you are two wolves
My neighbor is a real douche & always cheating on his wife, so I changed my wifi to KARL IS CHEATING ON YOU AMY for when she needs my wifi.
No I don’t want to ride in a basket beneath your giant flying fire tent.
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Why did I schedule my dental cleaning first thing on a Monday morning? I hate who I was 6 months ago.
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
person: calm down
me: *calm immediately goes up*
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. I’m destroying the planet and you are made of dead horses
Just sold my homing pigeon on eBay for the 22nd time.
The locals are gushing over my poor axe handling skills
*interview for new roommate*
Ninja: I know it’s a small place, but you won’t even know I’m here.
I’d get into a lesbian relationship just to mooch my girlfriend’s hair care products.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
My kid drew all over my kitchen counter with permanent marker
Classic case of counter terrorism
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
[a mass poisoning of football players]
detective 1: I think there was mercury in the Gatorade
detective 2: Johnson, this is no time for your stupid astrology mumbo-jumbo
Me: Does the Nintendo Power Hotline still exist?
Cop: I suggest using your one phone call to contact a lawyer, sir.
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
ME: I learned how to read lips so I can tell what the dog is saying
WIFE: seriously? [rolls her eyes] so what’s the dog saying?
ME: first of all, he says you’re rude
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
the guy inventing artificial banana flavor: whatever close enough
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
shout out to camera phones not being invented until well after my glo-stick period
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it