[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
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Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
me and my fake scenarios
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I research genomes
Me: I love those little dudes, but you know it’s actually pronounced ‘gnomes’
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
Yoda: Clouded, your future is.
Anakin: Are you smoking pot again?
Yoda: Six cheeseburgers, I want.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
Cop: license & registration
Magician: Check this out *levitates license*
Cop: I see. Your license is suspended. Check THIS out
*$75 ticket*
Hello pollen my old friend, my nose is running once again.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I’m eating tacos while wrapped up inside my tortilla blanket. I’m a taco eating a taco. It’s glorious
Somebody’s car alarm is going off outside my house. Not surprisingly really because I live in the bad part of 1992.
Instead of a flask I keep a small kitten in my jacket pocket that I pull out for a quick pet whenever I need a pick-me-up.
Sure, I miss grandma. But she’s up there protecting us.
*looks up to the sky where my grandma is in a jet fighting aliens*
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
Fun Fact: If you hear small kids running around laughing hysterically, within 2 min. at least one will be on the floor crying hysterically.
Son: I don’t like it when the house pees on me
Me: OMG just get in the shower
There are many puddles in my city right now and I have very quickly learned I have holes in my shoes.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men