DOCTOR: “Ok, now PUSH!”
WOMAN IN LABOUR: “Should I be doing this in my state?”
DR: [leaning out of car window] “Less talky, more pushy.”
You Might Also Like
Her, 4: I want a baby! New baby sister? Or brother?
Me: We can’t have another baby. You would need a new daddy for mommy to have another baby
Her: New cat?
80% of arguments start because someone hasn’t eaten yet.
You didn’t say I couldn’t fill the jacuzzi with mac and cheese
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Him at 1am: Wanna come over?
Me: Sure thing, sexy
-Cut to me crawling out of his TV like that girl in The Ring
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
STAYCATION DAY 1:
Filled the birdbath with Nescafé just to see the startled look on those vagrant House Finches.
My husband and I finished another Netflix show together so now we don’t have anything in common again.
The Wizard of Oz is my favourite movie about serial murder for personal gain.
“I’m sorry but it’s only 7 items or less in the dressing rooms”
[octopus glove shopping] “this is unacceptable”
i’ve already had 2 cups of coffee and a can of coke this morning; i’m about to jump out of the plane and just run the rest of the way
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
when spiderman jumps from building to building why isn’t it called peter parkour
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
“Paper beats rock, Charles!”
Mom: Where are you?
Me: Mumbai
Mom: Don’t you hang up on me!
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Mood.. 😂
There are 400 billion stars in our galaxy and perhaps two trillion galaxies in total, and I just wonder if Miss Universe fully understands her achievement.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe