God: you’re an elephant.
Elephant: ok.
God: you have a great memory.
Elephant: what does that mean?
God: you never forget.
Elephant: didn’t I lend you $20 last week?
God:
Elephant:
God: [opening wallet] yOu NeVeR foRgEt good one God.
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Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Me: fills tub with blood of virgins to keep my youthful glow
Also me: ruins everything by absentmindedly tossing in a bath bomb
My review of Godzilla vs Kong is the same as for the last four flicks:
NEED LESS HUMAN TALKY TALKY
NEED MORE MONSTER PUNCHY PUNCHY
Having sword fights with the tubes from wrapping paper was so much fun as a child. It was one of the few times my brother and I fought without getting into trouble.
Mhm.
If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.
I’m sorry your tc cheated on you with their spouse, will you please stop writing poems now
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
curiouse george 2: 2 fast 2 curious
Why couldn’t the pirates play cards?
The captain was standing on the deck.
#CardPlayingDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
If i ever experience an earthquake my first thought will probably be it’s godzilla.
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
You know you’re getting fat when you make a comment about needing to lose weight and the other person doesn’t say anything back.
lol no thanks my tires rotate themselves every day
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
If you were a tree you’d be a bonsai, and if you were mine you’d be dead by now.
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
[after 47 minutes of listening]
okay usually when someone says “what is wrong with me” it’s rhetorical but thanks for the feedback
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
I shaved my legs today and drew the hair back on. I don’t get it, eyebrow ladies, I don’t get it.
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.