Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
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took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Guest in disgust:
This tastes like feet!Host: Dammit Eloise! What have I told you about substituting ingredients in recipes?
– cannibal dinner party
Friend: Wanna go for a run?
Me: From what?
A car pool is an extravagant waste of water.
Wrong Way Do Not Enter seems like a weird name for a street.
Boss: We’ve just found out that one of you is a sloth
Jim: oh no
Jo: oh no
Karl: oh no
Boss: obviously we will need to
Me: oh no
Cauliflower has a good publicist.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Hear me out, a Barbie whose hair color changes to gray everytime a child screams.
Jurassic Park taught me not to exploit dinosaur labor.
imagine your card gets declined at church and god dies
me: wow you must be pretty hoarse
dracula: why would I be hoarse
me: from all that coffin lmao
The order the Star Wars movies are being released is based on the order in which Yoda would count from one to nine.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Home alone tonight
The fridge is making weird noises
I think the beer wants out….
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
I can’t tackle you with a fire suppression blanket unless I practice.
DMV CLERK: go to the end of the line it’s gonna be a while
WAITER: excellent
I would pay extra for a grocery store app that alerts me to the checkout line filled with people who apparently have never gone through a grocery store checkout line before in their life.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
So apparently not every chubby guy with a mustache is named Mario. My bad, dad.
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.