Pandora has spoiled me. Five seconds into any conversation and I’m looking for the thumbs-down button.
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My husband suggested I tone down the Botox and just age gracefully. And I laughed and laughed. But didn’t scowl. Cuz Botox.
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
Skyped my dad today and had a great conversation with his forehead and nose hairs…
Disney couldn’t handle my awesome script.
Kylo Ren was Rey’s father.
Finn was her brother.
Chewbacca was her cousin twice removed.
The temperature went from 90 to 55 like it saw a state trooper
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
I hate it when I’m cleaning the house and suddenly find a bowl of ice cream in my lap and my soap opera on.
[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I’m having problems with favstar. Can all of you trophy me to see if it’s working right now? Thanks.
Them: Who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
Them: No, I wasn’t finished. I meant, who is your favorite…
Me: My dog
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
*Goes to Nirvana themed
“Come as you are” Party**Gets arrested for indecent exposure*
Me: would you trade me for a younger woman?
H: oh honey age doesn’t matter! I’d trade for someone who doesn’t talk through the game.
My childhood left me with unreal expectations about how often I would see pies used as weapons.
me, angry: I’m LEAVING-
doorknob: nope *catches purse strap*
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
#BREAKING Egypt, Russia sign contract to build Egypt’s first nuclear plant
[job interview]
Him: Do you have any social media accounts?
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: …
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
Hey I just met you…
And this is Crazy…
But this is a nice restaurant…
So, Silence your baby!
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
I tried some new stretches, and now I’ve been stuck on the floor for 23 minutes.
Only the dog is happy about this.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
If I really wanted to end my life I’d probably do it by wearing a Star Trek uniform to the Star Wars Force Awakens premier.
Tell the Starbucks barista that your name is Voldemort. Watch for those who don’t flinch when the name is called. They will be your allies.