My husband just walked in on me drinking cake batter from the mixing bowl and had absolutely no reaction. He’s my soulmate.
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Your Honor, my client would like you to stop being so mean, even though we both know she deserves it.
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
[playing with a Ouija board with my dog]
Board: B A L L
Me: I know that’s you moving it! Stop!
Board: T R E A T S
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
Over all these years, you’d think I’d remember how important the “L” in clock is…especially when asking mom if I can borrow dad’s.
I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation
They’re not all brilliant, but they’re all mine. Meaning my tweets, and maybe my kids, whatever.
Geez ONE crystal champagne glass gets broken and I’m not allowed to use them in the cat obstacle course anymore
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Salt can’t be the only delicious rock. There must be other delicious rocks somewhere…
Me: [to 15 yr old] “You already eat?”
15: “ya”
Me: “What colour’d you use?”
15: “I used orange.”
Me: “Cool. I’ll use a white.”
– mac n cheese has it’s own language.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
[in ambulance]
“Can you describe the snake that bit you?”
Yes it was like an angry rope
A large group of Canadian Geese is called a Nightmare.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
good for her
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Did you ever see someone yawn, and then yawn yourself? That psychological reaction is a phenomenon known as: “Katherine Heigl movies.”
“Watch what happens when the human children hear the sound of their mother eating something four rooms away.”
-if animals made nature shows
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
[Google search history]
Moles
How to kill moles
How to make homemade bombs
Rescue moles from cave-in
Dealing with regret
Mole stew