“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
You Might Also Like
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
A suspect in the Pearson gold heist has been arrested after flying into Toronto from India. Unfortunately, he flew in with Air Canada so all the evidence on him has been misplaced or damaged.
I completely forgot that the social media manager for Kitchen Nightmares has completely lost it.
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
There is no law stating that you have to explain why you’re carrying a purse full of hair when going through security.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says “and I didn’t brush my teeth, either.”
My schedule in my 20s revolved around kids’ feeding, baths, and diapering. My schedule in my 30s revolved around kids’ school and activities. My schedule in my 40s revolves around my bladder.
Cthulhu is just the sound I make when I’m trying to reply to the dentist.
Can we not just call it Zealand now?
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
I’m still upset that my parents didn’t support my dream of becoming an assassin.
Girls are like strawberries. Sometimes they’re at the grocery store
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
*Looks up from phone.
“When did you get home?”Husband: “I’ve been talking to you for the last 15 minutes.”
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
The wind is about to blow me to Oz, so if you see me flying past your window.. mind your business.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“I didn’t”
“who brought the getaway car?”
-Disorganized crime
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
british cooking shows: tell us about this wee tart youve made, the crust is just lovely
american cooking shows: we’ve replaced your knives with philips head screwdrivers & released raccoons in the kitchen. the clock is set for 30 seconds, please bake us peace in the middle east
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
[talking to the 911 operator after crashing my hearse into a lake] yea there’s another guy in here lol he’s already dead tho hahaha
Sometimes all you need,
is 500 million dollars.
I feel like calling it a “nervous system” was just setting me up for failure.
Angel of Death: I have killed the firstborn of Egypt
God: Killed?! You were supposed to “thrill” them! You know, take them out for a night on the town
Angel of Death: But…but…
God: Hahaha, you should see your face. No I definitely wanted those kids dead
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
This is amazing.