Mickey: ok but that’ll be $20 extra
Goofy: Done.
*Mickey puts on bow and heels*
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My kid in a house made of snacks, lying on a bed made of snacks, wearing clothes made of snacks, while eating a snack: “Can I have a snack?”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why don’t they put a scratch and sniff box on recipes?
*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
When you’re on the third Zoom meeting of the day and decide you’re just gonna go ahead and eat your lunch and people can just deal with it.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
I bought my friend a fridge for their birthday. You should’ve seen their face light up when they opened it.
I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
ART TEACHER: Why have you painted the water green again? It looks-
ME: I’m bringing *puts on sunglasses* Shrek sea back
AT: You’re expelled
I got asked for nudes once and I was like, “No, I’m married.” And he was like, “Yeah, I know. I’m your husband.”
don’t smoke pots because they are made of clay and can burn your tongue
Where I work customers love that we take credit cards, it doesn’t become complicated until I buy myself tickets to Fiji.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
to people who call it “supper” and not “dinner”: do you also have some crops to tend to? would you like me to go fetch you water from the well past the prairie? are the cold winter months coming? have you hunted for meat recently? is the bread ready? have you smelt the tears of
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
oh good, now I can stop drinking
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
Not going to any more weddings or funerals. Please keep that in mind, friends who are considering getting married or dying.
snowing hard this morning. Bus driver slid through a red light. Only thing he said was “we slidin” i cant stop thinking about this
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
[baker’s school admissions test] what number comes after 11
i know exactly how new parents feel, i have three dogs