Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
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“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
Teamwork makes the dream work.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
“I decided I wanted to be a ninja so I googled “Ninja School”, followed the link and the page could not be found. Well played, Ninja School”
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
BELLE: I love you
BEAST: You broke the curse!
[transforms into hideously ugly man]BELLE: Welp, guess you’re all good. I gotta roll. Peace
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
I quit my job this week to pursue my dreams.
I can never remember my dreams so this is going to be interesting.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
Become a parent, so you, too, can be accused of putting too much yolk in an egg.
If you want your dog to take a pill:
1. Get a piece of cheese
2. Eat the cheese for energy
3. Get ready to wrestle your dog
Buying a house is like “we have no way of knowing you’ll pay back this mortgage of £500 a month”
“I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
“Why can’t you save up £25000 to reassure us you can afford £500”
“Because I’ve been paying my landlord £1000 a month”
[new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people have asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
{During Mass}
Priest: Can someone please check on the woman screaming the rosary in the confessional booth?
@ candidates for local office
[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
early stone age tool
I got a 6 month head start on No Shave November, so I think my chances of winning are pretty good this year.
Family: So how did you two meet?
Me: Tinder.
Family: What’s Tinder?
Me: It’s a game site.
him: hi, I’m Tom
me: nice to meet you uhh…
my brain: cmon he literally just said his name 3 seconds ago
me: m…mom
I put my baby picture as my what’s app picture and my mum called me to ask who that was ¿
Son: Dad, can you teach me how to use a condom?
Me: Yeah so you just put the drugs in, swallow it, and then poop it out when the plane lands.
You could eat off my bedroom floor. It’s not clean, but it is sturdy enough to support most food.
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
:S :C :H :O :O :L – You can’t find happy faces.