For Christmas this year, I’m putting a pair of socks and a jar of Vaseline in one of my Amazon Prime labeled boxes.
To watch the confused look on my teenage son will be priceless.
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Sock seller: sorry, no Christmas discounts
Centipede grandma: please I have 1 grandchildren
Doctor: So, what are you using for birth control?
Me: Usually black socks with sandals. Sometimes tighty whiteys…
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
My 19 year old just asked me if she could have a beer and for support she said, “Does it really matter at this point? My college semester is over. You turned my room into a closet. You won’t let me leave the house. My life sucks. For the love of God let me have a drink woman.”
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
the Baltimore subreddit never disappoints me
when u get so high u forget u ordered food
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to store people’s phone numbers is doing now.
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
911 – 911 what’s your emergency
Me – I am Australian and I watch too much American TV
911 – ….
Me – I don’t know our emergency number
Wow your rib cage and hip bones look stunning !!!
Said No Man Ever
If you get a DM from Keanu Reeves asking for money, it’s probably fake because I already took care of him
Me: Gluten Morgen!
Wife: You made waffles, didn’t you?
Me: *in my breakfast lederhosen* Ja!
Found out today my ex girlfriend married a successful businessman. I’m probably better off without her, seems like she has ambition and standards
Happy mothers day to all the moms out there.
I’ve found that women are never, impressed by what guys think will impress them. Also I just ran out of gas doing donuts in the parking lot
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Gross if literal…Liverpool
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I carry an extra fish stick behind my ear like a Marlboro.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?