I met a young fashion designer earlier, and it wasn’t long before I was in the bedroom ripping her clothes off.
I love counterfeiting stuff
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I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
Instant pancake mix box: just add water
Me: sounds easy
Oh no, too thick [adds more water]
Oh no, too runny [adds more mix]
.
.
.
*Three hours later* a lovely breakfast of 137 pancakes
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Him: The smell of marinara reminds me of my grandma
Me: That’s cause your nose is connected to the limbic system of your brain where emotions are processed! Your olfactory nerve gettin all up in your amygdala and jumpin on good memories
Waiter: Ma’am please return to your table
I should put a bowl of this Halloween candy in my office in case anyone wants some.
-Me, working from home. Alone.
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
[at therapist]
I don’t know, sometimes I just feel invisible
Therapist: WHO SAID THAT?!?
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
hot girls stay up late just so they can finally have some alone time
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
what happens in quarantine stays in quarantine
Not today
No one:
Me: oh thank you I got it on sale.
1st snow: let’s play in the snow!
2nd snow: let’s watch movies about snow.
3rd snow: let’s move.
I took my dog to have his anxiety checked out and the veterinarian examined him and told me he’s a very good boy, and then she prescribed two margaritas for me
Shouldn’t the sea be called an isntland?
Sir, I don’t know how you keep getting in here, but again, this is not what a think tank does
My work has one of those little clock in / clock out punch cards like the movies and let me tell you, it’s a thrill and a half!!!
that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
me: wanna go on a date tomorrow?
him: sure how about 8?
me: slow down. i was thinking we’d try the one first
Does a hot bath tighten the virginia?
This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?
– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone
“WHAT?! YOU NEVER TOLD ME!”
– My 7yo, hearing he has a middle name for the millionth time.
Surprise your boyfriend with new boyfriend this valentine
What can I buy my wife for Valentine’s Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?