What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
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I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Impress them on your first date by showing up in a shirt with their face on it.
When I was a kid at summer camp, I told my friend Rob I had two goals: to hammer nails up my nose at the camp talent show, and to find a girlfriend.
He said, “You might only get to do the first one.”
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
Every time I go swimming I instantly get hungry.
*puts foot in pool*
*eats a taco*
*puts other foot in pool*
*eats another taco*
My BFF is on her second child but I’m on my 3rd tapeworm so I win
isaac newtown got hit in the head & invented calculus. i broke my nose last night when I was drunk & invented a louder version of crying.
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
“Hot damn!” – the Nazi’s probably after their dams were destroyed.
I don’t know; I’m not a historian. It’s just an educated guess.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
Hypnotist: Let’s go back to your childhood. Where are you now?
Me: I’m watching Golden Girls with my grandmother.
H: Which episode?
M: The one with the dance contest.
H *opening bag of chips*: Go on….
“Can I copy your homework?”
“Sure, just change a few things so it’s not that obvious.”
“Ok.”
Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
jk rowling: every character will have a meaningful arc. harry finds the family he never had
editor: nice
jk rowling: ron faces his fears. hermione questions authority.
editor: what about, what’s his name, neville?
jk rowling: oh, shawty gets DUMB thicc
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
I saw the Cheesecake Factory trending and thought it died.
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
Please has anyone figured out what we should be doing while people are singing happy birthday to us?
I cringe every time I think about that time I was enquiring about a stargazing event at an observatory and I accidentally asked if it was an all day event.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
I’m bringing microwave mashed potatoes to my works Thanksgiving lunch because I dont really like any of my coworkers enough to peel potatoes for them.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me: