a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press
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Her: you look better without your glasses
Me: oh thanks! You look better without my glasses too!
Cop: Do you understand your rights?
NASCAR driver: My what
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
As a kid, I thought Simba was crazy to run after Mufasa was killed.
But, after watching so many true crime docs, I get it. It does look like he lured his dad to that gorge. Witnesses heard him sing “I just can’t wait to be king.”
A good prosecutor could get a conviction with that
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[home depot]
employee[yelling]: YOU CAN’T DO THAT IN HERE
me: [yelling over the sound of revving chainsaw]: WHAT
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
75% of a Scandinavian park ranger’s job is rescuing black metal bands that get lost in the woods shooting album covers.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
I’m so pale… I don’t send nudes, I send transparencies
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
One minute you are young and carefree, the next minute you eat a cucumber after 6 PM and your digestive system is like, “absolutely not.”
i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
*a conspiracy theorist on the titanic talking to other passengers as the ship slips into the ocean*
oh, you think an iceberg caused this? frozen water cannot penetrate a steel hull. it’s impossible. you need to wake up. this is a controlled sinking…
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
Pro Tip: Before you ask your kid’s Principal if he’d like a kiss make sure he can see the chocolate you’re holding in your hand.
*sees my husband cry as he holds our newborn son for the 1st time*
wtf did that baby just say to you?
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
Cha-ching is my safe word
Girlfriend, catching my gaze: What are you thinking?
Me [still furiously trying to work out why the frog in Frogger dies when it goes in water, and why the Flintstones celebrated Christmas]: Just how right everything feels when I’m with you.