Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
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I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I almost got ran over by joggers. I saved myself by pretending to be a stop light. I got away while they jogged in place.
*leads a conga line off of a bridge
Sold my parents’ house today. It was really bittersweet and brought back so many memories. My parents are gonna be pissed when they get back from vacation though.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
groan^2
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
This everything bagel has too much giraffe on it
As Oscar Wilde once said, there’s only one thing worse than being talked about, and that’s being roped in to help a friend move house.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Threw some protein bars in the trash & now the raccoons are bench pressing my neighbors Great Dane in the backyard.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
Me: hahahahahaahaahahaha
Personal trainer: what’s so funny?
Me: oh man I thought you were joking about running
On hot days I always check the parking lot to make sure no one left their car windows up with an ice cream cake in there.
A picture so sexy my computer just covered my eyes.
A kitchen sponge is a better environment for growing bacteria than a petri dish.
I don’t care what bathroom you identify with. If you look under the stall you’re going to need a dentist.
Them: You’re burnt out.
Me: Yes.T: You need a break
M: Yes.T: I’m worried.
M: Okay. Will you watch my kids for a minute?T: Hell no.
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
Her: I’m so wet
Him: I’m so hard
Eavesdropping alien: These people are bad at describing themselves.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
In the next Mad Max movie instead of fighting over gasoline they should be fighting over toilet paper.
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
If I were a doctor, I’d invent a bacon-ometer to tell patients how much more bacon they needed to consume to be healthy and, frankly, sexy.
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Coworker met a guy on an app, went on vacation with him, got married ob the vacation and quit today, I will be speaking on her episode of either Dateline or Snapped.
What am I doing with the rest of my life?
I don’t even know what I’m doing with the rest of this tweet…
You don’t have to make the same mistakes your parents made. An ambitious person makes new mistakes.