*Sees feelings chasing me down.
*Builds wall of McDonald’s fries.
*Crisis averted.
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Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
This spider just got away from me because I made the classic villain mistake of telling him my whole evil plan before killing him.
Despite being terrified of alligators, I’ve taken a job at the Florida Everglades just so I can tell people I’ve been swamped at work all week.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
Heroes and Herpes are just one tiny letter different, and other things I find out when I’m not wearing my glasses.
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
I have a huge bruise on my face and a concussion, today my nurse friend asked if I was safe at home, considering I was home alone when this happened, the answer is no.
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
I overheard 16 tell 12 to come wish me a Happy Mother’s Day. Her response, “I’ve been doing it for 11 years, I think I deserve a break.”
So….guess who has dishes duty today!? And I’m going to use EVERY damn cup, plate and silverware in this house.
I just spilled my protein shake all over myself and all I’m saying is a donut would never do this to me.
An app similar to Google Maps except it highlights all of the areas in your city that are believed to be haunted.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
[gun shop]
ME: Does this gun come with a nuclear warhead?
CLERK: Haha no that’s illegal
ME: Ok
CLERK: You can buy the warhead separately
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.
Stop comparing yourself to high achieving go-getters, it isn’t good for your self esteem or your mental health and only helps you stand in your own way
Instead, find a complete loser to compare yourself to and then cross your fingers they don’t win the lottery
Girls, your friends lied when they said chopping your hair off looked cute. They are just happy that their man wont want to bang you
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
Our 5 year old seems to have deemed himself the local virus warden.
Over the fence to our neighbour:
‘JEAN YOU NEED TO GO INSIDE’
‘Okay I will in a minute’
‘YOU’RE OLD AND THERE’S A VIRUS’
‘I’m not that old thank you’
‘HOW OLD ARE YOU JEAN?’
‘I’m 68.’
‘THAT IS NEARLY 70 JEAN.’
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”