Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
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Someone goes back in time to the 2009 VMAs, gives Taylor Swift a taser to use on Kanye.… the timeline is forever changed! World peace, etc.
Sure sex is great but have you ever made the right amount of rice?
Microwave manufacturers: we made a special button just in case you want to make popcorn in your microwave
Popcorn manufacturers: u touch that button and we will burn the whole goddamn house down
“Say TGIF ONE more time” I say, scowling at my coworker with no children, “Go ahead, say it again.”
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
found out about a magic tournement where a guy on shrooms won the whole thing and can’t get over this pic they took of the top 8
Cause the players gonna play, play, play, play, play
And the haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate
Baby, I’m just gonna shake their soda
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
The best part of the Titanic is when Rose is holding onto Jack and she’s all like, ‘I’ll never let go’ and then she lets go.
going to the ER y’all need anything
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
Y’all even ask cauliflower if they wanna be all these things?
When you’re dragging a boat full of sailors to its watery doom then suddenly remember you left the oven on
People almost never do the cute little Pillsbury dough boy noise when you poke them in the stomach. Everything is a lie
Shaking hands is so weird:
“Nice to meet you, have some germs and dead skin cells.”
BARTENDER: Can I see some i.d.?
ME: *slowly lifts shirt to reveal ThermaCare lower back heat wrap*
BARTENDER: Got it, thanks.
Mr. Trump, who’s your Secretary of State?
TRUMP: To deal with China, one that speaks Mandarin [remembers to appeal to women] or Womandarin
Me: *Goes outside to take out the trash only wearing underwear.
(Because 6 ft high privacy fence, goddamnit).
Neighbour: *on ladder* “Hi!”We need to move
I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
I always carry bananas in my purse in case I’m ever chased by bad guys…
…or a giant gorilla.
~Super Mario’s mom probably
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
Husband: *looking at the Amazon packages at the front door*
Me: My eyes are up here.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them