“911, What’s your emergency?”
I… I shot him
“Shot who sir?”
He said the Beatles suck
“Is he alive?”
Yes
“Try holding a pillow over his face”
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Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
Why are you charging me $3.99 to watch a movie from 2006? I feel like I’m doing you the favor.
Doesn’t it alarm some of you that when ya leave the house a flock of crows follows everywhere you go.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
My mom laughed at me when I said I was going to build a car out of spaghetti.
You should have seen her face as I drove pasta
Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
ME: You see, I’m playing both sides
FLUTE INSTRUCTOR: how did you get the whole thing in your mouth
No YOU tried to pet the albino skunk that wandered up from the woods.
Related: Never go outside w/out contacts and YES I need a shower.
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
The 5 most important things to teach my kids:
1. be honest
2. show respect
3. be true to yourselves
4. be kind & generous
5. be humble
6. to count
*Jan 1, 9 AM PST*
5: Can we play music in our room?
Me: Sure!
5: Any music?
Me: Whatever you want!
5: ALEXA! PLAY ROCKIN AROUND THE CHRISTMAS TREE!
Me: Nooooooooooooo
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
Sorry I yelled, “Sweep the leg!” when you got down on one knee to propose to your girlfriend.
But I stand by my advice.
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.
Irregardless, for all intensive purposes, I could care less.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Weird; People in my office have started naming the food in the company fridge. Today I ate a tuna sandwich named Kevin.