I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
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Magneto: Never trust a beautiful woman, especially one who seems interested in you.
Me: *on the couch eating Ruffles in sweatpants* Yeah.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
Sometimes I feel like Twitter has run its course. Then I remember everyone here hates running.
building forts as fast as I can but I’m running out of pillows
If Twitter really wants to make money, they should let us pay to reduce someone else’s character limit. And take away their vowels.
FamousJerk: Wh t’s h pp n n g??
FamousJerk: H w t f x th s?
FamousJerk: H lp m l n!
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
what’s really going on
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
Nothing worse than taking a run and then having to take a shit when your a mile & a half away from ur bathroom. I almost shitted in a bush
VILLAIN: *Stroking cat* I’ve been expec-
BOND: OMG your kitty is so cute! Can I pet him?!
V:*Whining* Tiiim, you said this was intimidating!
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
HIM: whatcha thinkin’ about?
ME: *thinking about how polar ice caps are melting yet Santa still gives naughty children coal instead of a clean, renewable resource alternative* …oh, nuthin’
Being married for years I thought I knew intimacy…that was until today when my eye dr. decided to sing “dust in the wind” right into my eyeballs
Autocorrect changed “you flatter me” to “you flatten me” and shit just got really weird.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Judge, “Why are you holding a fire extinguisher?”
Me, “Your Honor, it’s for our protection. The witness won’t stop lying and I am afraid we may need this at any moment.”
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
Guys that have a hard time meeting girls, have you tried painting some wings on the side of a building and waiting for them to come take pictures?
Me *disposes off all containers, sprays car freshener, gargles with lemonade*
My kid (5 mins later, entering the car): You went to MacDonalds without me?????
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
Oh you lost your glasses on your face? I lost my cell phone while on a call.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
I asked Mom how she’d like me to honor her when the time came.
She replied, “What makes you think I’m going out first?”
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you