Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
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Him: how did your duel with your nemesis go?
Me: *kicks stone* we were approaching each other from a distance and I drew my sword too early and had to hold it out for ages like a doofus
Murderer: *murdering me*
Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
Cows are vegetarians too, but you won’t hear them bragging about it on Twitter.
Why is it called an everything bagel and not a bagall.
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
Every time I get the urge to clean, I watch Hoarders and I decide my house isn’t that dirty after all.
Everyone hates their job until someone brings cupcakes in.
Customer spelling her name:
Me: Is that V as in Victor or Z as in Zebra?
Her: Z as in Xylophone.And this, kids, is why education is key.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
A street preacher told me that gays cause floods, & my first reaction was to call my friend Ben & ask him what other rad shit he could do
WAITER: how would you like your eggs
ME: nogged
Have single guys scared of the “Friend Zone” even heard of long-term relationships or marriage?
*meeting somebody from Canada*
So, do you work in the maple syrup industry or are you a professional hockey player?
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
[runs out of toilet paper]
Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures
True story: A coworker once asked if I’d seen her earmuffs. Noticing she was actually wearing them, I said, “I think the boss said he found a pair. Go ask him.” (I’m evil.) 😆
I would run in my flip flops, but I don’t want you to fall in love with me.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
“HULK WANT LOAN.”
Bank: “We can’t loan to people like you.”
“GREEN SKIN PEOPLE??”
Bank: “No, people who owe 2.6M in property damage.”
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.