My baby is now a toddler. Everything up is now down. On the floor. She’s trashing the place.
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God gives his worst wrapping skills to his strongest gift givers
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: I need sex, and I need it now…
Her: I understand. You want to be alone.
When I have kids I’m gonna tell them drugs are good for them.
It’s the only way I can be sure they won’t try them.
Me: Teacher, is it pronounced neither or neither?
T: It’s neither.
Me: So they’re both wrong?
T: I say neither, but you can say either.
Me: It can’t be either neither, you have to pick a neither.
T: Neither the school nor your parents pay me enough for this shit.
Job interviewer: so what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: job interviews mostly
When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.
[first day as a vet]
Me: ma’am I’m afraid your horse has some of the worst cancer I’ve ever seen
Her: um this is a camel
Me: a what now??
How old are you?
I’m “I now empathize with the mom from Mrs. Doubtfire” years old.
*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
Me trying to fit a 4 finger kitkat in my mouth because I’ve just heard one of the kids approaching
[Losing my virginity]
Me: *sheepishly* is it ok if I play the Imperial March?
Nicholson: You want answers?!
Cruise: I want the truth!!
Nicholson: YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Cruise: mmk… how bout a little hint?
3 is feeding 1 strawberries and calling him Baby Babe. It’s so sweet, I can almost forget he tried to lock him in the closet half an hour ago.
My trophies are a result of:
80% – pity
10% – friends who are kind
10% – random strangers whose fingers slip
7% – my superior math skills
quitting my job to pursue my true passion: not having a job
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
Getting a man to do something I’m perfectly capable of doing.
In my day children didn’t ask “What fresh hell is this?” while browsing through a rack of cardigans.
The water drought in California is so bad, that someone broke into my cousins house and stole his waterbed.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
My face is permanently frozen into this scowl. You were right, Grandma.
I know two wrongs don’t make a right, obviously. But how many does it take? I’m like on 756.
Sure I feel bad for Marty McFly having to take his mum to the dance so his parents meet, but poor John Connor had to send his mate back in time to bang his mum or he wouldn’t have been born
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
Dracula had it right, sleep all day, live alone in a castle & explode into a thousand bats to get out of social situations.
5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed