*gets down to snails level*
IF YOU JUST TELL ME WHERE YOU’RE TRYING TO GET TO THEN I CAN HELP YOU GET THERE FASTER.
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My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
“It’s hotter than a junkie’s spoon in July”
Excuse me, what kind of Florida metric system are we using now??
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
In Canada, street racing is just people competing to see who can dig their car out of the snow first.
What’s the point of making people like Paul McCartney and Elton John knights if they’re not going to joust?
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
Ice cream man: in a cup or in a cone
Me: cone please. I find the cups upset my stomach.
“can we play our computers on the plane?”
bro, you and your sister can give each other face tattoos for all I care, just leave me alone
Dear everyone THE PEEPS ARE MY BABIES please do not eat them. Take them home. Give them warmth and comfort. Allow them to nest beside your TV. Give them your passwords so they can log on to the dark web and order books about witchcraft to summon Cthulhu. Let them swim in the sink
I wish I could but I’m busy plotting revenge because my kids laughed when I showed them I can shake it better than Shakira.
Mirror, mirror on the wall…
Mirror: I said no.