My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
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My first day in hell I accidentally bump into the meteor that killed the dinosaurs in the cafeteria. Everyone gasps. Satan drops his fork.
(saying something slightly ambiguous on the internet) ah i could’ve phrased that better but i’ll probably get the benefit of the doubt from thousands of strangers who only come here to get pissed off
If my kids made a Lego Movie song
Everything Is Stickyy
Anywhere Is Cool For Wiping Your Hands
Everything Is Stickyyy
And Mommy Will Scream
I’ve seen your area rug, and you sir are not single.
I broke up with my high school girlfriend because I’m a nerd and she was a cheerleader, we were just wrong for each other. Also I never asked her out or even spoke to her, poor girl didn’t even know I existed.
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
SOCIALIZING IS EASY FOR ME BECAUSE I AM NEVER TEMPTED TO FEAST ON MY HUMAN FRIENDS
Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: I look cute today.
Camera: No.
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Pretty much the most frightening part of my day is when I get a notification that my mother has tagged me in a post on Facebook.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*
I’m enjoying a run through the sprinkler, but everyone else “smells smoke” and “thinks we should leave the conference room”
My cat has taught me that an 80:20 ratio of sleep to physical activity is really the way to go
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
Just felt compelled to apologize again for my joke last year about Don Henley having a pet chicken named Hen Donley.
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Everyone’s a gangsta until you make eye contact with a stranger whilst shoveling tacos in your face.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
Batman: Put the gun down NOW.
Joker: Say please. Didn’t mommy teach you any mann… Oh right, she couldn’t.
Batman: SON OF A…
Joker: Dead mom?
[pretending to be on the phone as guy with clipboard approaches me]
“What do you mean I already do too much for charity?”
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.