Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your wallet.
You Might Also Like
Passer-by: hey buddy, do you have change for the phonebox?
Clark Kent: why would I change in a phonebox?
P: I didnt-
CK: I’m not Superman
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
I can’t be a runner. I have this irrational fear that if I go for a run I’ll be too exhausted when someone tries to chase/attack me and I have no energy to run anymore.
I see your IQ test came back negative
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Quick, is ANYONE on this plane a singer?
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR
NASA: we’re sending astronauts back to the moon
Me: good, return them to their natural habitat
That’s classic.
“Daddy, how are babies made?”
“Well son, when a man and a woman have too much to drink..”
applying to a job I probably won’t get, so under additional skills I wrote “easily startled but excellent bladder control”
My dog just saved my life by ferociously barking at nothing outside.
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Ran into my ex on the street. He’s got a hot wife & 2 kids. I have a taco in my hand. And one in my purse. And an emergency taco in my coat.
Did You Know?
Humans swallow EIGHT spiders in their sleep every year! Also, I talked to the spiders, and apparently tonight’s the night.
Me: Snack?
4: anything please
Me: gold fish, apples, crackers and cheese, fruit bar, carrots?
4: whatever you want
Me: peaches, grapes, cheezits, pb&j, marshmallows, cheerios popsicles?
4: WHATEVER I DONT CARE
*brings snack*
4: *full on meltdown* NO NOT THAT!!!
There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
Him: Can you decide quickly?
Me, 20 minutes later: No.
Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth. Then it’s a soap opera.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
It’s my favorite time of year, the time when everyone puts their clothes back on and goes inside.
Maybe I’m driving around with my coffee on the roof because I want to cool it down. YOU DON’T KNOW.
*3am
Me: *thinking* That bird sounds pretty damn happy for the middle of the night.
Bird: *chirping* Dear God why can’t I sleep?!!!
A lady posted her grandmother’s brownie recipe, so I tried making them. Turns out her grandma was a terrible cook
Me: *smiling from ear to ear*
Plastic surgeon: My bad.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?