*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
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[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Today we break bread and give thanks. Tomorrow I will throat-punch you at Wal Mart.
I’ve been through the desert on a horse with no name, and I’ve been through the desert on a horse named Dave, and honestly there’s no difference
*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*
Someone just posted that they baked some synonym rolls. So I said, “Just like grammar used to make?”
Now I’m blocked 😅🤣😂
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
I’m a go-getter. I’ve started my New Year’s resolutions now so I can have them broken by Jan 1st
everyone has that one prude friend
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
Her: Couldn’t you have picked a better record to beat?
Me: *covered in 13,000 bees* There’s no way this can end badly, Susan.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
Eating chocolate pudding from a diaper is a good way to get a whole row to yourself at the cinema.
Them: what part of your morning routine takes the longest ?
Me: finding the will to get up
I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
Apart from “life is short” what other lines do you use before making bad decisions?
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭
To: Everybody
Subject: Dance Now
Cc: Music Factory