When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.
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Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. measure twice, cut once
her: what?
me: what?
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Live each day like it’s going to be the opening line of your eulogy
Them: Tell us something about yourself.
Me:
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
My girlfriend hates when I correct her grammar. She’s like “What’s with all the red pen marks in my diary?”
”Wear your good flip flops ” isn’t something I thought I would ever say, but here we are
Don’t be shallow and marry someone just for their looks. Make sure they have money.
[their last appetizer]
Her: I don’t want it. You have it.
Him: I don’t want it either, you…
Me: *reaches onto their table and takes it
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.
[starship battle]
CAPTAIN: We’re outgunned! Our only hope is to hide in that nebulaENSIGN WHOSE JOB IS CLEANING NEBULA GUNK OFF THE HULL: what if instead we made peace with our inevitable deaths?
Fiction has to make sense.
Bruce Banner: Please don’t make me angry. I’m begging you. Today’s—
*violently transforms into Hulk, revealing Wonder Woman underoos*
Hulk: (sigh)… laundry day.
[1st date]
Her: So, tell me about yourself
Me: Well, I’ve got a black belt-
Her: Oh!
Me: …and *looking down*.. brown shoes, gray socks…
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
Job interviewer: “Why do you want to join the Secret Service?”
Me: “It’s a secret.”
Job interviewer: “You got the job.”
20s: he is smart, funny, and hot, he’s my soulmate.
30s: he loves kids and dogs, he’s my soulmate.
40s: we have the same third favourite colour, he’s my soulmate.
Sometimes I say something so embarrassing I even impress myself.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me:
prosecutor:
me: i hoped he was cake
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
the things my dad sends my mom 😭😂