Major Tom: This is Major Tom to Ground Control
I’m stepping through the door
& I’m floating in a most peculiar way
GC: New phone. Who dis?
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*looks at fish tank
6: It’s part cat and part fish?
Me: No it’s just a fish
*Catfish maintains eye contact while pushing over treasure chest
Me: But Halloween is the one day a year you get to be anybody you want
Jury at my Identify Theft Trial: [impressed whispering]
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
Just got excited at a crossword clue that was “cheese lovers” and was like oooooo there’s a name for people like me and the answer was mice
“NO NO NO NO” – the guy who invented folding chairs watching a wrestling match
Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
My current situation
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
My father-in-law spent the morning teaching my daughter Spanish, and it was all wrong.
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
Today my son got dressed in nice clothes and said it was picture day at his school (His school of course is our kitchen table). It was either a very sweet moment or the first sign that the kid is starting to crack. Either way, I charged him 45 dollars for a 15 picture package.
A costumer just said to me that my daughter and I look like twins. And I was like, “Well, we were separated at birth.”
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
If anyone is stuck for a gift for me I’m a size 8 nights in Bora Bora
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[date]
Her: “Well, the horoscopes pretty much govern my life, I’m a sagittarius, what are you?”
Me: *halfway out the door* “Educated.”
A woman saying “I’m not mad at you” is like a dentist saying “You won’t feel a thing.”
Me: my boyfriend said that he doesn’t love me anymore
Boyfriend: that’s not what I said! I said that I have to work and I can’t give you attention 24/7
Me: same thing
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
BUZZ LIGHTYEAR: To infinity and beyond!
ME: Nothing is beyond infinity, I demand realism in my talking toy movie