*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
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The optometrist sees the one eyed man’s glasses as half-full. The pessometrist sees them as half-empty.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
When this is all over, I’m going to miss only waving at neighbours from a distance.
Necessity is the mother of invention, and the wife of bill.
Bill is the only one in the family with a normal name.
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
bird: I’m a bird. I have the ability to soar majestically over the mountains. I have a bird’s eye view of this beautiful planet and can see how wonderful it all is
me: and yet you choose to hang out in this McDonald’s parking lot
bird: did I mention I’m a seagull?
that de-escalated quickly
[Origins…]
BRUCE WAYNE: Did you make all the “Badman” equipment like I told you…the Badmobile, the Badcopter etc?
ALFRED: Yeah…wait, what?
Costume idea:
Dress up like milkshake, wait in the yard.
Reminder that April is Procrastination Awareness Month. It’s finally my time to shine…
Aw beans
*running from the cops at night* DAMN THESE LIGHT-UP SHOES.
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
According to my cousin’s diploma, he graduated from an “Institute of Fine Farts” because I just made an adjustment to it with a sharpie.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
My daughter came downstairs and gave me the last bite of her favorite candy. She’d learned to share, and I was proud.
Then her brother came downstairs asking who ate all of his candy. “WE did!” my daughter declared. She’d learned to share blame, and I was even prouder.
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
One a scale of keystone light to jaeger how drunk are you sir?
PANCAKE
ok I need you to step out of the car
When I die, someone, please attend my funeral dressed as the Grim Reaper and just stand there and don’t say a word. Thanks.
*regional mathematics tryouts*
Judge: what is 2+2?
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.
ME:
THERAPIST: ok?
Me: would that make you happy?
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
How many Happy Meals do you need to eat before they start to work? I’ve just had six and I feel terrible.
She says she only drinks wine to collect corks for her Pinterest project, which is pretty cool cause it looks like she’s building a castle.
“Okay, try putting it in reverse.”