NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
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I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out
When my sweet baby daughter said “mama” for the first time, I never imagined that 11 years later, she’d be calling me “bro” on a regular basis.
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
*slips cheat map to my favorite nephew for the annual Easter egg hunt* Now remember, I get half the take.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
“Aboot a half kilometer up the road.”
“Thank you.”
“Just past the Tim’s on your left.”
“Much appreciated.”
“My pleasure, eh.”
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
They should just call the news “guess who was an idiot today.”
Ok people, they don’t need to see your car from space- it might be time to tone down those headlights a little bit.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.
Being from the Midwest means my signature potluck dish will contain a tub of mayonnaise, a jar of jelly, and a block of Velveeta.
And it will be called something like “Sexy Salad” to let you know I do not actually understand what sex or salad is.
Father of Prodigal Son: For this my son was dead, and is alive again! He was lost, and is found!
Fatted Calf: This cannot be good
New mindset, who dis?
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
6:00am: I’ll go to the gym in 20 minutes
6:20am: I’ll go to the gym in 10 minutes
6:30am: I’ll go to the gym in 5 minutes
6:35am: I’ll go to the gym in 2 minutes
6:37am: What time does McDonald’s open
PLEASE stop giving your dogs HUMAN FOOD they are bragging to MY DOG and she is UPSET
[at a party] i see u have name brand garbage bags, are u a doctor
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
Overheard my daughter’s friend on FaceTime telling her Dad to please stop singing because he’s embarrassing her so obviously I did what any Dad would do and finished the chorus for him.