“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
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No one:
Absolutely no one:
Alexa: I’ve found one zoo near you with monkeys.
According to my kids’ Christmas lists, they think this parenting gig pays pretty well.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
Friend: but when the baby arrives, how will I figure out how to raise her?
Me: when you’re a parent, you just no
I know a girl that can hide eggs where your kids will never find them.
Sometimes I answer the door in a towel when I get an Amazon delivery. Even if I’m wearing clothes underneath.
Got very excited when I saw that Mastodon was trending. Was quite disappointed to discover that it had nothing to do with prehistoric animals.
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
[my husband who is a bodybuilder divorcing me]
Me: *explaining to lawyer* I misunderstood cheat day.
Cop: There’s been another break in at the bakery.
Swan: I wouldn’t know anything about it.
Cop: *hands him a bread roll*
Swan: Word at the pond is that ducks did it, but you didn’t hear it from me.
Fit Bit: ‘Keep going!’
Recliner: ‘Trust your feelings.’
them: I’ll call you, we’ll do coffee
me outwardly: yay
me inwardly: nope
The X-Files will have 3 back to back episodes that are dead serious about elaborate conspiracies where anyone can be killed for knowing too much, and then the very next episode will be like “Scully there’s a dude I wanna check out who thinks he’s a goat”
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
Gemma Correll
Sorry I ate your baby but you shouldn’t have wrapped it like a burrito.
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
There’s safety in numbers.
CDC: Uh, no.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
I just came across my wife’s Tinder profile and I’m so angry about her lies.
She is not “fun to be around”.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
How to draw a duck
Men: Take Route 2 to the 156 and get on the 7.
Me: I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THIS MEANS.
If someone bumps into you while you are wearing camouflage you have no one to blame but yourself.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.