ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
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Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
*jazz hands*
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Fixed this for Shakespeare
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.
“Listen to your body?” dude my body reflexively blows on yogurt just because I’m eating it with a spoon
I don’t care how old I am, the first thing I’ll always do when I get to my parent’s house is checking out what’s in the fridge.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
doctor: we had to remove your appendix
JRR Tolkien: but that’s where I explain why elves hate dwarves
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
My kid fell off the bed and into the laundry basket head first. She’ll probably never forgive me for laughing so hard but I’m only human and that shits funny
A guy was honking at a car ahead of him to speed up at 6AM so I followed him bc his job must be amazing if he’s that excited to get to work.
“I’m really good in bed”
-Ice cream
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
Did some financial planning and it looks like I can retire at 62 and live comfortably for eleven minutes.
*pulls at 28° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 29° angle… FAIL
*pulls at 28.528419094° angle… STAYS!!
– Me pulling up Blinds
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
VILLAIN: You can run but you can’t hide.
ME: I can’t run either.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
[in class]
Hermione: For once I want the teacher to get my name right!
Gar4y With a Silent 4: Totally know what ya mean
[dinner]
DAD: let’s roast this bird
ME: (to bird) the only time you ever got laid was the day you were born
DAD: haha nice
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes
Remember when a blue moon was a rare and romantic thing, and now it’s probably something terrible on Urban Dictionary?
Star Wars (1977): A wounded warrior overcomes severe burn injuries to build a massive empire only to see his estranged son destroy it.