It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
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Daughter: dad, will you sign up for the fun run?
Me: I don’t understand your question. Those words don’t belong together.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
I found a body in the trunk of my car today, which is disturbing because I remember leaving 2 in there..
I got 99 socks but a pair ain’t one
You take the oxy out of oxymoron
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
me: if reality is a simulation then why is it so cruel
also me: i wonder if i can drown this sim in a pot of spaghetti
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
Dear everyone,
I’ve seen all of your tweets this year.
You’re all getting dictionaries for Christmas.Sincerely,
Santa Claus.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
What if babies cry on airplanes because they are expecting to get eaten. “Here comes the airplane,” indeed
My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.
Whenever I’m alone, I like to dig a hole in my backyard, remove all my clothes, go inside that hole and pretend that I’m a carrot.
i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them
On a ladder putting a cinema poster up.
Lady said “Is King Kong Coming?”
I said “No it’s just the paste off my brush”
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
You can buy my cassette series “Yelling : Greatest Hits”
Including classics such as:
– Hey!
– What the Hell?
– What the heck? (Radio edit)
– Oh come on!And the chart topping hit:
– Yo…hey yo! Over here! No, over here to your left!
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
Plot twist: Dogs and cats do not adjust their clocks to Daylight Saving Time. Meals will be expected at the regularly appointed hour.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
Clownfish: Why the long face, Bob?
Seahorse: If you make a Sarah Jessica Parker joke, I swear to Triton…
I put my phone in airplane mode and it immediately tried to charge me ten bucks for a can of Coke.
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
My wife is gone for the next 3 days, so if any ladies out there want to come over & yell at me to take out the garbage & not have sex, hmu
me:*pulls chair out for date*
her: such a gentleman
my mom: *from back of restaurant* YOU’RE DOING GREAT HONEY! JUST LIKE WE PRACTICED!
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Men are from Mars. Women are from Venus. Mars has 2 moons. Venus has no moons. Do you see where I’m getting at? Men, GIVE BACK OUR MOON!