My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
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Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
This was my dad’s browser history.
Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
Wishing a much deserved truly blessed day to my Instacart shopper who just told me she’s EGGCITED to get started on my order and for me to ROMAINE calm in case any items are out of stock, absolutely masterful, no notes
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Storing photos in our parent’s attic was our cloud in the 20th century.
Today, I shall mostly be drawing little moustaches and monocles on all the spermatozoa in the biology textbooks at the library.
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
Please send thoughts and prayers to my cats, they shall surely never recover from the sound of the popcorn maker
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
[cat adoption agency]
Counselor: …*slowly pushes my application off the counter*
Me: What the hell?
Counselor: You’re not ready
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
Deer: *frozen in headlights*
Deer’s mom: I TOLD you to bring a sweater
Bruises are your bodies way of reminding you that you should nap more and gallivant less.
how come you never see animal cruelty people protesting turtlenecks?
“You have a Master’s degree”, I whisper to myself as I struggle to find the end of a roll of tape.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
(sees someone doing a texas chainsaw massacre) um can you not
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
The average human body contains enough carbon to make 9,000 pencils and enough blood and skeletons to decorate an intimate Halloween party for a tight-knit group of friends.
It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
Instead of asking my kid if she’s brushed her hair, I ask if she’s cured cancer. I figure if I’m gonna be disappointed by the answer it might as well be about something really big
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
[bedtime]
brain: hey remember that lost episode where the couple gets paralyzed DO THOSE SPIDERS LIVE NEAR US
me: SLEEP
brain: NO, GOOGLE IT
[answering my shoe like a phone] hold on i can’t hear you let me put you on sneaker