Don’t be jealous but my daughter just told me a 95 minute story about a cough drop.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
this is the greatest thing ever
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
My kid is refusing to go to bed until 10, so to pass the time he’s going to lie down in bed and wait…until 10
Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
oh yeah, well can AI do this?
*eats 7 deviled eggs at the cookout*
4-year-old from next door got a whistle for his birthday and I got 1 phone call.
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
*brings a tranquilizer gun to a pillow fight*
True freaking story!
Cop: raise your hands
Me: ok, but if you looked down you’d see the same thing
C: ma’am?
M: they’re right there
C: how high are you?
M: yes
Crayons are a lot like M&M’s. All of the colors taste the same.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
[Chris Hemsworth posts 85 videos of him working out hard, eating right, and looking amazing]
Me: must be good genetics
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
I was called a village idiot today which really upset me. I live in a city.
Whenever I’m house sitting for a friend on vacation I replace each item of their clothing with the exact same thing but two sizes smaller.
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
#PleaseGoToChurch 😂😭
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
if i had a girlfriend i would brush the pop tart crumbs off of my bed so she could lay with me
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”