Cop: Hey U!
U: who, me?
Cop: no the other 1!
1: who, me?
Cop: both of U!
W: who, us?
Cop: Yes you!
U: Who, me?
Cop: No!
No: yes?
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Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Here are the locations of the missing items in your home:
The TV remote is in the bathroom
The kitchen scissors are under your kid’s bed
Your keys are behind the toaster
And your chapstick is gone forever – give up on that one
MY BULLY (age 9): Here he comes, the guy with the worst comebacks on the planet.
ME: Shut it Trevor. Your dad should be the next Batman.
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
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.
.
The top ans was
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
bird 1: uh oh
bird 2: don’t worry he only has one stone
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“He’ll regret that shot till he’s screaming on his deathbed.” British golf commentary. It’s the reason I’m a fan.
Just realized the laundry detergent has been in the refrigerator for 3 days, in case you’re looking for a business manager.
Screenwriting:
ACT ONE: What’s their deal?
ACT TWO: This wasn’t the deal, now let’s see how they deal.
ACT THREE: They’re a whole new deal.
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
When your friend tells you she’s thinking about adopting and you get really disappointed when you find out she means a human.
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
I went downstairs to get my charger. I came back up with a bowl of ice cream and no charger. But, I’m okay. Thanks.
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
tfw you have a meeting with your boss, and you aren’t entirely sure if you quit or if you got fired but you definitely don’t work there anymore
I think Australians should have to go 3 rounds in the ring with a kangaroo before they eat him.
I explained how Pac-Man works to my kids, and apparently 4 ghosts constantly chasing someone is a terrifying story to 4yos.
KOHL’S: YOU SAVED $92 based on these arbitrarily high prices we made up!
ME: I am honestly just so blessed
“Just don’t flip them off, you’ll be fine”
Me, adivising a nervous friend before their job interview
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.