I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
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[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
Broom by every window for quick escape.
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
Son: what are electric eels?
Me: eels but electric
Son: are there other electric animals?
Me, looking at the cat & the toaster: not yet
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
me: *gets down on one knee* will you help me make this tree house into a tree home?
girlfriend : *shouts from the ground* I can’t hear you, why can’t I just come up there?
me: no girls allowed
Just gave this idiot a thumbs up for cutting me off, and I think I might not understand road rage.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
Me, to 10yo: The first step in doing your math homework is *starts crying*
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
5 missed calls from my mom. Frantically called her back, expecting tragedy; nope, wallets are on sale at Kohl’s.
I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower
Pretty sure the inventor of noise-canceling headphones had a young kid trying to learn a band instrument.
i haven’t put on any weight i don’t know what you’re talking about
[leaving the synagogue]
I always thought rabbi was just the plural of rabbit
me: siri, clear my evening appointments, i’ve got a date tonight.
siri: “lol yeah ok. beep boop beep. gotcha.”
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
I just wish I had the confidence of my husband who thinks everything only takes 5 minutes.
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
“Surprise!” they yelled as he came in.
He screamed.
“Happy birthday!” they said.
“Do I know you?”
“No. We’re just excellent surprisers.”
Me: What did you do at school today?
4yo: Nothing
M: You must have done something.
4: I don’t remember.
[Bedtime]
M: Goodnight.
4: Wait.
*Spends the next two hours telling me about his day in excruciating detail followed by a philisophical Q&A session*
Sorry I interrupted your wedding dance with a much much better dance
Things will never get better until you make the conscious decision to lower your standards.
me: who wants to play two truths and a lie
guy who named the red delicious apple: me first
me: help, my house is burning down!
mrs doubtfire: *narrows eyes* prove it
It costs over $330,00 for parents to raise a child to the age of 18
And that’s just for the alcohol
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
5: the teacher moved me to the blue table
Me: oh did she move a lot of kids?
5: yeah, some people were touching other people’s nerves
Me: oh who?
5: I don’t know THEY WERE TOUCHING NERVES!
Me: oh ok
5:
Me:
5: what are nerves?
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.