Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
You Might Also Like
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
million dollar idea: worm dehorser
I’ve joined a 12 step program.
Six to the fridge. Six back to the couch.
People choosing to not hang their laundry out to dry anymore is why I’m having a hard time improving my wardrobe.
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
C’mon, when have I ever let you down? That was rhetorical, actually. Yes, that is a lot. Wow, did not expect you to bring out a chalkboard.
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
jesus christ confetti not now
[playing flight simulator]
this is your captain speaking: the alcohol is now free and we’re landing in a volcano
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
there’s a pig in my mom’s neighborhood who escapes her home to roam the neighborhood every couple days and someone will hit their community fb page like “penelope is over here eating my tomatoes” and the owner will be like “god dammit i’ll be right there”
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
We’re going to run out of sausage if no one ever wants to know how it’s made
Betrayal Treasury, Age 5:
Instead of ice cream after my tonsillectomy, a lime popsicle, the texture of which I do not enjoy.
Learned a lot during my barefoot walk through the forest. Mainly that acorns are the earth’s legos
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
Oh, you’re a witch? Name three children you’ve eaten.
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
Dog: MY BOWL IS EMPTY
Me: You *just* ate
Dog: I SEE NO EVIDENCE OF THAT