me: *throwing rocks at the window of a girl I like*
flight attendant: STOP THAT
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The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
the “b” and “d” in “backward” are really just there as an example
[Trapped on a plane]
Me: Can’t put it off any longer, we must eat the other passengersWife: what no
Me: I’m growing weaker
Wife: We have been delayed for 45 minutes
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.
[The Last Supper]
Waiter: *grinning slyly* Here’s a 50% off coupon for your next visit.
Did you know that a cherry pie is $12 in Antigua but only $10 in Barbados?
Those arrr the pie rates of the Carribbean.
#CherriesJubileeDay #RubbishJokes #SaturdayMorning
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
[pretends to answer phone in front of date] why hello… [trying to think of someone cool] GEICO lizard
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
Who blons a dumb de now, eh? WHO BLONS A DUMB DE NOW?
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Social distancing does not mean go chill at your friends house
I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
me: what can I do to keep this plant alive?
google: give it to someone else
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
When folks hear I’m a therapist they often say, “Hey I should talk to you.” and I’m like, “I thought that’s what we were doing.” Then we laugh and I send them an invoice for 150 dollars.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
Where’s Waldo?
*Leans in*
Buddy, the last person who came around here asking those kinds of questions can’t be found neither
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
Interviewer: How are you with stress?
Me: We’re well acquainted.
Them: what’s your sign?
Me: exhausted potato
And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.
[pulled over]
COP 1: any drugs or alcohol in the car?
ME: no
COP 2: told you he was a nerd
ME: nuh uh I have so much drugs
COP 1: lol gotcha